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a mind of her own

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[17 Feb 2004|09:05pm]
I wish I could have simple, uncomplicated, normal friendships with boys.

Jonathan is one of my best friends. He is always the one to make me feel better when I'm having problems with my boyfriend. And I always tell him what to say when his girlfriend is mad at him. He's always been there for me and I would hate to think that next year we'll be so far away from each other. I love him, but it's so hard to maintain the relationship that we have in our situation. We never dated, but we should have when we had the chance. Things probably would have been so different today. But we didn't, and now we have this silly love for each other that just refuses to go away.

Sometimes I get so close to distancing myself from it. Jonathan is naturally a very flirtatious boy, and I can be pretty coquettish myself, so sometimes jealousy tends to be an issue with us. Sometimes I am convinced that he's replacing me with the throngs of girls that hang all over him. So then I prepare myself from giving up on the silly dream that maybe someday we could make this right.

And then he'll tell me how much he cares about me and all of my rational plans just disappear. And the cycle starts all over again.

I don't like being the kind of girl who is always basing her happiness on how much attention boys are giving her at the time. And most of the time, I am not like that at all.

Hopefully someday we'll figure all of this out and we can get over out mutual crushes and just be the best friends that we should be.

[09 Feb 2004|10:26pm]
I officially have the coolest brother ever. He works on a radio show on the public radio station in Los Angeles. I usually don't listen because it's not until midnight here, but last night was his first night producing so I decided to watch the show on the internet. It was also pledge week, and I knew the show was having a hard time meeting their goal, so I decided to call in and give $50. and they ask you if you want them to thank you on the air and I said sure. And the person on the phone thought it was odd that someone from Richmond would be listening, so I told her I was the producers sister. So when Gary, the DJ of the show, was reading off the list of new members, Tre grabbed the microphone on my name and wished me a happy birthday and told me he loved me and that he's coming to graduation which made me sooo happy. He's my favorite brother ever.

And then today I had to go to go get my official license instead of my temporary one. So I had to go to one of the high schools and listen to a judge talk about not doing drugs and dying in car crashes and other common sense matters. And of course I was almost the last person out of 400 people to get the license so I was there for about two hours. It was not too fun. and it made me think of the gay boy I met in my driving class, so I think I might call him this weekend because I miss him. he was fun and he thought I was cute.

I also found out today that I'm a National Merit Scholarship Finalist so I'm pretty excited about that. I doubt I'll actually get any money (my scores are good, but not amazingly great) but it made me feel pretty good.

and that was my exciting day.
1| parler

[08 Feb 2004|08:41pm]
My birthday is today. I opened presents and then I did homework all day. And I got my period. not really a fun, exciting "Yay I'm and adult now!" day. But it was fun to take pictures with my new digital camera all day. so it was pretty enjoyable overall. Maybe next weekend I'll do all those crazy things I can do now. like buy lottery tickets.
3| parler

[31 Jan 2004|09:33am]
Is it possible to miss someone you never actually knew?

I always knew that my dad had a brother who died when he was 25, long before I was born. but I never knew anything about him except that he made a chessboard that I have. I didn't know how he died or what he looked like or what his personality was like.

But last night we were talking about birth order because that's what my psychology class is studying, and we started talking about my dad's family.

Alan seems like he would have a been a fun uncle to have. He was laidback and carefree, and he seems almost like the opposite of my dad. He didn't really have direction in his life, but he had more fun than anyone.

He died because he had a tumor on his heart. The systems in his body just started shutting down, but no one could figure out why. They discovered the problem with exploratory surgery, but there was nothing they could do to save him.

I had never heard my dad -or anyone else in his family- talk about Alan before. I guess because it's just easier for them to avoid the topic because it's painful and because it brings up too many memories. My dad was so close to crying when he was talking,

But from the little bit that I now know about the person my uncle was, I really miss him and wish that he could still be a part of my dad's life because I think he really needs someone like Alan sometimes.
1| parler

[28 Jan 2004|10:59am]
it snowed sunday and I haven't been able to leave the house since. it only snowed 2 1/2 inches, but this is virginia, so everything pretty much shuts down. it's driving me crazy, though, because there is absolutely nothing to do and nowhere to go and no one to see. My boyfriend went sledding with a bunch of friends, because everyone else lives so close to each other, and I was very jealous. I don't even have a sled :(

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